Transitions

I've been searching for a way to break the ice after such a long absence from my once-loved blog.  I realized tonight that there isn't a smooth way to do this where I glide back in, segueing into a well-crafted post after a pithy sentence that somehow erases the months and months that I've been away (only proverbially... in real life my only absence was a lovely few days in Austin this spring).

Rather than explaining my absence (so very, very busy with... life) or trying to play catch-up (which would never work well), I'm just going to jump right back in and see what happens. It's my blog after all and that's how I want to do it.

Things are changing in my life.  After seven straight years at home with my children, I am returning to work this September.  I'll be back with the government, in fact, with the same department but in a much diminished role.  I didn't truly expect to go back at the same level I left, given I was away for 7 years but I didn't really expect to return to an entry level position.  However, things are really tough in Canada's public service right now.  People are losing jobs not getting them.  I'm just so thankful to have found something that will fulfill the debt that I owe the government from my maternity leave top-up.  I don't owe them money... I owe them time.  If I hadn't found a position, I would have had to pay that top up back. 

The position I've taken will be for one year.  I don't know what will happen after that.  I'm not too concerned at this point.  Right now I'm completely focused on reorienting our family from one where there is a parent home full-time who is largely responsible for most stuff at home - meals, laundry, cleaning, school work, play, lessons, etc - to having two parents working full-time and all the kids in daycare and school.

I'll be tough.  Particularly on me.  On the plus side, there will be more money in our pockets.

And that is the first transition.  The others are much more interesting to talk about, but I'll save that for another night when the UK version of Life on Mars isn't calling my name.

The Friendly Giant has nothing on me

It has been a kids' wonderland around here lately, if I do so say myself. I've been on my game. I've taken it a step beyond where I was with playing with the kids and dived in whole hog. I always made sure I played with them as much as I could while still getting things done around the house (to a point where I was satisfied, which is probably well below the satisfaction level of other people, admittedly). Playing with them often meant playing store once in a while, doing lots of reading, taking them to the library or to a museum and doing lots of crafts with Emily. It didn't often mean doing a lot of pretend games with them.

I've changed that.

Now, the house is dirtier to be sure (although still tidy at the end of most days), but I spend my day playing store, bakery, restaurant, doctor, hairdresser and house. Often all in the same day. We haven't left the house nearly as much. We haven't been to a museum in a long time.

Damn, we're having fun.

It's real now

Yesterday I informed my boss and the language training coordinator and one of the daycare providers that I'm not coming back for at least a year. Wow, it's real now. Asking for just one more year still gives me the option, after the year, of doing the French training, or I can continue the leave. Leaves options open for me. Just one more daycare to inform and then it's all done. It feels right.

Of course, Emily has proven "challenging" since I made the decision to stay home. A total coincidence but funny and tragic at the same time. She's just being, well, bad. She pours water on the floor for fun. She dumped a bowl of water into Hope's mouth during the bath (much choking, spluttering and crying ensued from Hope). The best one was when she put two balls inside our sub-woofer (still trapped in there until we do some sub-woofer surgery). This one actually made us laugh (in private). It's attune to grilled cheese in the VCR.

Top all that with the "why's". I'm going crazy with the why's. Why is it hot? Why is it dirty? Why are you making lunch? Why I hungry? All rather philisophical I suppose but also SO ANNOYING. I try and be patient but after 12 hours of this, I think Job himself might throw something.

Time to get on top of the cleaning. This house is disgusting. I get sick, the place gets very dirty, very quickly. Why is that? Why is it when the woman gets sick, nothing runs quite the same? Oh right, because I'm the woman.

That just wasn't in the brochure.

The anatomy of a decision

It took well over a week, and it was a tortuous week at that, but I did finally arrive at a decision yesterday. I was hoping all week that suddenly the "right" answer, or maybe I should say the most comfortable answer, would suddenly be revealed to me. That's the way these things often work. All of a sudden you just know what you should do. But this time, in this the hardest decision I've made, it wasn't happening.

And then, in the cliche to end all cliches, it came to me while I was sitting in church yesterday. It had nothing to do with anything going on around me. I think it was just time to pick a side.

On Saturday night, I talked to my friend Anne. Anne did her French language training just before going on maternity leave. She didn't enjoy it. She's also the person I know who did it most recently and so I wanted her take on it. She enlightened me on a few things that I didn't know and reminded me of a few things I'd forgotten.

The language training taught to employees of the government is "taught to the test," which means that the instructors are, logically I guess, teaching you in a way to pass the levels tests. The tests are multiple choice and done on computer, except for the oral testing. Anne came out of the training getting a C level in writing (very high) and not being able to write a paragraph. A year after finishing the training, she felt she couldn't speak French at all because she hadn't used it.

My plan, as you know, would have been to do the training and then go on unpaid leave while the girls get to the end of Kindergarten. My French would be gone by then, even if I used it occasionally with them or around the city. Added to that is that you have to retest ever 5 years. So, if I took 5 years off then I would still be faced with applying for jobs without my French or having to retest soon after I started a new job, and likely have to retrain anyway. So, why miss out on the year with the girls when the training would just have to be repeated and be a very frustrating process anyway, as it would not be giving me what I really wanted: true bilingualism?

After talking to Anne, I thought about it the rest of the night, but the answer was becoming more obvious. Sitting in church beside Emily, I turned to her and said: Emily, is it okay if you don't go to Mimi's school next year and we just stay home instead? She said: Yes, I want dat.

As soon as I decided that, the knot in the pit of my stomach went away, my shoulders relaxed and I felt really, supremely happy. During the week, when I briefly decided (a few times) that I was going back, I felt tense, anxious and sad. This was what I needed, this was the moment I was looking for, the sign that I made the right decision.

Thanks to everyone for all your comments. They were all read and mulled over and discussed here in our house.

Now we start living like students again. And probably no Boston. It'll totally be worth it.

What would you do?

Well, here it is. The long-ago promised navel-gazing post where I wax on about my choices for next year. Ready? Hold on tight.

I want to continue to be home with the kids. I'll say that right out of the gate. It would be an easy decision but for one thing: my French language training.

For you non-Canadian federal government employees out there, let me give you the low-down. Most jobs in the Canadian federal government are classified as bilingual imperative. This means that when you're hired you are expected to be able to read, write and speak a certain level of the other official language (specified in the job ad as level A, B, C or a mixture thereof). Okay, if you REALLY know nothing about Canada: that would be French and English. For example, a job like mine is rated CCC English/French. This means you need to read, write, and speak both French and English at a very high level. The only level higher is E for exempt, which most native English and French speakers would be given for their mother tongue. First paragraph and I'm already going into WAY too much detail.

There are a few jobs in the federal government that have another, highly sought after classification: bilingual non-imperative. Bilingual non-imperative is the holy grail of federal government job classification and becoming very scarce, I might add. Bilingual non-imperative means that you can be hired even if you are unilingual and the government will pay you your regular salary while they train you to become bilingual to whatever the level is for your job.

My director went to the wall for me to get my position re-classified (lots of Canadian federal government lingo being thrown around here - sorry about that. However, being that I work for the Department of Foreign Affairs, where creating symbols and acronyms is actually a hobby, even a career in itself - I'm not kidding - I'm being rather reserved.) to bilingual non-imperative. It is nearly impossible, in the current political climate in Ottawa (Stephen Harper and his brutal excuse for a government), to find an advertised non-imperative position.

Okay, so you now have the background of my dilemma. I've done all the required testing so that those who need to know now know my current levels for French (sad state, I'm afraid) and how long it will take for me to get my C levels (39 weeks, full-time language school). My director, Gisele, was supposed to find out during this year (while I'm on maternity leave) when I would start my French. (Typically, there is a big waiting list.) The idea was that I would come right off leave and into French training.

About two weeks ago, I inquired for the umpteenth time with her to see if she'd heard anything. Without going into great minutiae, she hadn't heard anything but she had a name. I left a voicemail. Nuttin'. I sent an email, copying relevant others and finally got a response. Yadda, yadda, yadda, after providing a bunch of information that my director could have provided herself, it looks like I can probably get into my French training in November sometime, which is what I wanted.

Or so I thought.

When I got this news this past week, my first response was a sigh of relief. I'd been hoping for this for a long time. But as the day went on, I felt more and more anxiety about it and the reason is, I want to be with Emily and Hope. Period.

But... Again, the buts. To pass up this training is tantamount to stupid in a lot of circles. If I don't take it now, well, that ship has sailed, my friends. I have great daycare lined up for both kids - Emily at a wonderful French preschool where she'll re-master the language, and Hope at a French home daycare with a friend of mine who I know is excellent. We'd all be learning French together. But, they won't be with me, and as egotistic as it sounds, nothing will ever be as good as being at home with me. In my oh-so-humble opinion.

Last year, when Emily was in daycare and I was back to work, was one of the hardest years I've had. I was badly pulled between two things I really loved - my family and my job. Okay, so yes, of course I love my family more but most days, I also really liked my job. I never felt I played either role perfectly last year because I couldn't give either pursuit the time it deserved. Also, weekends were not great - I played with Emily and spent time with John but while Emily slept, I cooked and cleaned and had pretty much no time to myself except when I was at work. And then, I was working. It was really hard. But not in a fun way like being at home with the kids. Being a stay-at-home-mom is definitely harder than working outside the home, but the rewards are way bigger and for me, there's a lot more satisfaction knowing that I'm doing one thing REALLY well. I can only imagine that it will be even more difficult to balance it all when I have two kids to think about, oh yeah, and learning another language to boot.

So, what do I do? Yes, money will be very tight if I'm not earning a salary, but I'll be happy. However, in a few years, when the kids are both in school full-time and I'm figuring out what to do job-wise, will I regret not getting my French while I had the chance to have it paid for? Especially being that so many jobs in Ottawa, even outside the public service, require bilingualism. Or will I regret more missing this year with my kids? (Regardless of my decision for this year, I will be staying home with them after this year while they get through the kindergarten years. At least, that's my plan.)

John has been very careful to ensure that this decision is mine. He's also helped me see all the angles. He said this: I can always take French another time, but I will never get this particular year back with my kids and I should consider that along with everything else. This is very true. But it's also unlikely that I'll have the opportunity again to take full-time French training while earning my full salary.

This is one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, if not the hardest. I need to decide within a week or so because I need to inform the daycares what I'm going to do. I could tell them yes and then bag off if I change my mind (and lose some down payment money). I could tell them no and then if I change my mind find other daycare. Not the best option as good daycare takes a lot of time to find. It's out there but it takes a lot of looking. Or I could start the French, and if I hate the training (a common sentiment from people I know who have taken it. This is not a romantic, foreign-language school, self-indulgent ritual that you see in some movies) just quit and pull the kids out of daycare. An option, but a very disruptive one for everyone involved.

Clearly, I'm heavily conflicted. I'd like to know, what would you do?

Baching it

John's away this week doing research in Toronto as it is Reading Week, and whooda thunk it... the guy actually reads! During Reading Week! When I signed up for this I figured I'd get every Reading Week in a tropical location... or at least Montreal. Sigh. That's what you get for marrying a professor (no, he wasn't my professor!) who takes it all for serious like.

So, this all means that since Sunday night I've been solo around here. It's been a bit hairy at times - last night getting them into bed was not a pretty picture. I lost it at one point, got it back and finally had time to myself at quarter to 9:00. Just in time for 24. Naptime today was just as interesting. Since I can only stand hearing one kid wail at a time, Hope won and was removed from her crib.

My dad and his wife are coming tonight so that will, at the very least, give me some adult conversation and some welcome relief that I need during the day, which is the tough part right now.

Emily misses her daddy (who she seems to think is living at the airport) but is also enjoying having half of our bed when she gets up at 5:30 in the morning... she crawls in with me and goes back to sleep. Kind of nice for me... otherwise I would be making breakfast at 5:30.

Well, time to get cleaning.

Another one of those days

It's been a while but I've had another one of those days. Those days where you wonder why you stopped taking the pill. I don't have them too often lately but it seems that when I do have one, it is a rip-roaring good one (by "good" I mean a horrible, awful, set-myself-on-fire-to-stop-the-pain kind of day).

Emily has a cold. She also woke up at 5:45 this morning. Couple these things and it is a recipe for a full-day meltdown. That I could deal with not too badly. But as a recipe for a perfect storm, add to that Hope being uber-fussy all day. She only napped about 30 minutes at a time, and not nearly often enough. She normally takes a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon. Also, when awake, she cried a lot. I'm not sure if it was lack of sleep or teething (she was covered in drool all day) or a combination of the two.

Finally, Hope is now asleep on our bed and has been for about 2 hours. She's still in her clothes, cloth diaper and who knows how long she'll be there. She'll be soaking and cranky when she wakes up, guaranteed. The whole Hope-day is weird considering she has slept through the night the last 3 nights. Babies. Can't live with 'em.... Pass the beernuts.

As for Emily, after meltdown after meltdown, she went to bed at 7:00. She'll definitely be up before 6:00 tomorrow. But for now, peace reigns. Just in time for me to sit back, close my eyes, and pretend I live somewhere else for a while.

What it's like

The last few days have felt like the stars are in alignment around here. Emily has been absolutely stellar. Funny, energetic, only minor whining. Hope has been going to sleep relatively easily and sleeping well, smiling and laughing while awake. The only little glitch is Emily's t.v. addiction. I 'm tackling that tomorrow by limiting her to t.v. only right after breakfast and then not again the rest of the day.

I got a list today of all the drop-in playgroups in our area. They're supposed to be great and I don't know why it took me this long to get interested in them. I'm going to try them starting next week.

I feel like I should be speaking more often to what it is actually like to being at home with two little kids, one tiny.

It is overwhelming sometimes.

About a week ago I announced in here that I thought I had PPD. I believe now that I don't have any depression. Rather, I'm just tired, get angry sometimes, overwhelmed and at that time I was constantly being challenged and annoyed by Emily. It was a perfect storm.

As I go through this year, I have often thought of my mum. I'm sure she had moments like this. I never asked her, and she probably wouldn't have told me all the sordid details or the bad moments she had that were similar to mine last week (when I threw a soap dispenser against the wall right after hauling my hair dryer against the bathroom mirror). For my friends and I who are doing this right now, I don't think we've heard the realities of it from any of our mothers. I'm not sure if this is because they have blocked out those hair dryer-throwing moments or they don't want to tell us about those horrible moments because they don't want to remember the times when they questioned their own decency as a mother. Whatever it is, it is something that women who are engaged in this crazy motherhood thing need to talk about more.

We lose it.

It's okay to lose it (to a point of course). What is most important is that we spread the word that we're far from perfect, that this is the hardest job a woman will ever have, and that we need outlets and support. And, that until a woman experiences this for herself, it can never really be honestly explained to her.

I found it hard with Emily but I also loved it. I love it now with Hope. I love it with Hope and Emily together. However, with the two at home together, I am more challenged, more tired, and at times, more frustrated, than I have ever been in my life and probably will ever be again. It isn't depression, but it is hard. Really hard. But I wouldn't trade it for anything and I am glad that Emily is home with me full-time. I'm experiencing something now that connects me to my mum further and so many women before me.

Being home full-time with two kids is something that far fewer women do now than when our mothers were doing it. A number of my friends in fact have had a second baby but keep their first child in daycare. I can totally understand that. And I probably would have done the same (although probably part-time) if Dawn hadn't closed the daycare. But, here I am and I'm so glad that I am doing this. It is making me a stronger, more creative, more understanding person. I'm thankful for that.

I'm going to spend more time over the next few months though thinking about all of this.

If I can find the time, that is....

Care for a cuppa?

The last week, actually longer, has been really rough with Emily. There has been a lot of whining (her, not me), lots of rudeness, crying, temper tantrums and hot and cold with the toilet/potty. I told John last night that, if I'm honest, I'm not enjoying being her parent lately. I wondered if I'm not giving her enough stimulation, if it is a phase, or if it is a result of too much t.v. (current addiction is Dora and the Wiggles).

This morning started off badly. Right from when she got out of bed she was crying and whining. So, I let her watch Dora while I got breakfast ready. We enjoyed breakfast (okay, who wouldn't? It was blueberry bread pudding with whipped cream on top) and then there was some crying when I told her there was no more t.v. for the day. So, to divert her, we had a tea party. A "real" tea party. I made tea, put out cookies, brought her table and chairs up from the basement, brought Pooh and Baby to the table, and gave her the china tea set she likes. It was a major event and a total hit of course. The tea party marked the end of whining for the rest of the day (so far).

After about 30 minutes of that, we took all the kids books off the shelves in the living room and spread them out like a library and read lots of them. After that it was off to the kitchen for drawing. Then, upstairs to feed Hope and for Emily to generally destroy the top floor. I decided that today I was going to stop caring about tidying except for during Emily's nap. It works so much better if I just play with her.

Clearly this was part of the issue. She does need more stimulation, more interaction and more activity than I have been providing lately. I do of course play with her and give her some activities but she needs more than I was giving her. This will mean a messier house, a more fatigued me but if it means less whining and crying, and a better relationship between her and I (back to how it has always been - very close and loving with little conflict), I'll totally do that.

After drawing, it was off to pick up John at the train station, get some groceries and Loblaws (where Emily saw her playgroup leader, Paul - a big hit), and then home for lunch. Clearly nap happened a bit late today.

After her nap, we go to the library so John and I can vote and to let Emily explore a bit. All in all, a great day with my big girl. Oh, and big girl underwear, no accidents, and lots of potty time! Hooray! Even hit the mark in Loblaws!

First day, kind of

Today was the first full day with both girls at home, with Emily finished daycare... kind of. It was sort of unreal because John's mom, Rose, is here for the week so I have quite a buffer from the reality that will set in next week.

It was a really fun day actually. We went to the Parkdale Market and park this morning. Of course, Hope cried in the car on the way there resulting in screams and crying from Emily as well. But, then I just popped Hope in the Hug-a-Bub and she slept until we got back in the car (at which point she repeated the trip there). We shopped in the market getting gorgeous apples, brocolli, etc and then Emily played on the swings and slide.

The only really bad part of the day was putting Emily down for her nap. She totally resists me leaving the room. In fact, "resists" is too mild a term. She full out freaks out. I had to dig my heals in and let her cry today. It took over half an hour, with me periodically standing outside her door reassuring her, until she fell asleep. I figure it will take about 3 days of that until she realizes that (1) she isn't going back to Dawn's (2) she realizes I'll be here when she wakes up and (3) she realizes she can't win.

After her nap, we went to the sandbox where she, Omi and I made sandcastles while Hope dozed in the pram.

On a negative note, Hope, at 3 1/2 weeks old, has caught Emily's cold. What happened to the immunities provided by breastmilk? I guess it is no defence against a toddler who spends time in daycare. Anyway, it seems like it is already on the way out, thank goodness.

On another negative note (will it stop?), I have yeast in my breasts and have again provided the entertainment in my house by painting my nipples purple with gentian violet in order to cure it. Of course, this also means that Hope looks like a miniature version of Chuckles the Clown. Oh, and you can also, by way of this photo evidence, see the development of the baby acne that I promised. Isn't she gorgeous?

Not so bad but my organizational skills could use some work

The morning was pretty good actually. Emily was very good and was a good "Mummy helper." However, my organizational skills, which I've definitely prided myself on with just one child, definitely need work now that a second has been added to the mix. It took me quite a while to throw all the crap together I needed, get the crap and the two children into the stroller and head to the library. After that it all went well. The only problems really were: Emily throwing a complete fit after I turned off Barney resulting in her second "time out" of the morning; the realization that Hope is going to have to be extremely adaptable starting next week when Emily is home full time.

The reality is that Hope is going to have to figure out how to have a morning nap on the go. So far the morning is her toughest time for getting to sleep. This will coincide with the time that Emily needs activity (as we can't spend every day, all day, at home). Not sure how other parents do this but I'll have to poll my other stay-at-home mom friends and find out. Today was a difficult day for Hope and I am assuming it is because there was a lot of activity and her afternoon was also thrown off by a visit from a friend. I hope this doesn't mean that she will be needing a very strict routine because she just won't be able to get it in the morning. I figure she'll adapt though. She is only 3 weeks old so I have to expect some bumps at this point.

Damn cute that Hope, though.