Two years

Two years ago today my mum died of ALS. It was and is the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.

I find I don't get too teary on this anniversary though. I actually find my birthday harder to bear without her. I was surprised by that when my first birthday after her death came around. I guess I never realized before then how much I thought about her on my birthday, how much a child's birthday is a celebration for both the mother and child.

Still, I find it difficult to believe that it has been two years since I've been able to talk to her, hold her hand, help her to the bathroom, send her email reports about Emily. I've missed her every single day since then and no, it hasn't become easier with time. Not having my mum will never be easier with time.

I do feel her and I do talk to her and that makes it better.

I'm still angry, sad, resentful, deeply, deeply regretful that Emily, Hope and Baby Texan won't know their Nanna by playing, singing, laughing with her. They will know her but it will be through Beth and I and the many, many stories we tell and the way we live and act. The way we live and act is a constant reflection of her and her amazing life.

Well, now I'm crying. And Beth probably is too. Just to make it that much worse, here is a video I took with my crappy little camera just a couple of weeks before she died:



What does get better is that, while I feel angry, sad, resentful, I also feel more joy now when I think about her and less sadness and anger at the way she died.

In honour of her today, if anyone out there has been looking for a charity to give money to, the ALS society is today, and everyday, helping improve the lives of people living with this terrible disease. I'm going to make a donation right now.

Love you mum.