What it's like

The last few days have felt like the stars are in alignment around here. Emily has been absolutely stellar. Funny, energetic, only minor whining. Hope has been going to sleep relatively easily and sleeping well, smiling and laughing while awake. The only little glitch is Emily's t.v. addiction. I 'm tackling that tomorrow by limiting her to t.v. only right after breakfast and then not again the rest of the day.

I got a list today of all the drop-in playgroups in our area. They're supposed to be great and I don't know why it took me this long to get interested in them. I'm going to try them starting next week.

I feel like I should be speaking more often to what it is actually like to being at home with two little kids, one tiny.

It is overwhelming sometimes.

About a week ago I announced in here that I thought I had PPD. I believe now that I don't have any depression. Rather, I'm just tired, get angry sometimes, overwhelmed and at that time I was constantly being challenged and annoyed by Emily. It was a perfect storm.

As I go through this year, I have often thought of my mum. I'm sure she had moments like this. I never asked her, and she probably wouldn't have told me all the sordid details or the bad moments she had that were similar to mine last week (when I threw a soap dispenser against the wall right after hauling my hair dryer against the bathroom mirror). For my friends and I who are doing this right now, I don't think we've heard the realities of it from any of our mothers. I'm not sure if this is because they have blocked out those hair dryer-throwing moments or they don't want to tell us about those horrible moments because they don't want to remember the times when they questioned their own decency as a mother. Whatever it is, it is something that women who are engaged in this crazy motherhood thing need to talk about more.

We lose it.

It's okay to lose it (to a point of course). What is most important is that we spread the word that we're far from perfect, that this is the hardest job a woman will ever have, and that we need outlets and support. And, that until a woman experiences this for herself, it can never really be honestly explained to her.

I found it hard with Emily but I also loved it. I love it now with Hope. I love it with Hope and Emily together. However, with the two at home together, I am more challenged, more tired, and at times, more frustrated, than I have ever been in my life and probably will ever be again. It isn't depression, but it is hard. Really hard. But I wouldn't trade it for anything and I am glad that Emily is home with me full-time. I'm experiencing something now that connects me to my mum further and so many women before me.

Being home full-time with two kids is something that far fewer women do now than when our mothers were doing it. A number of my friends in fact have had a second baby but keep their first child in daycare. I can totally understand that. And I probably would have done the same (although probably part-time) if Dawn hadn't closed the daycare. But, here I am and I'm so glad that I am doing this. It is making me a stronger, more creative, more understanding person. I'm thankful for that.

I'm going to spend more time over the next few months though thinking about all of this.

If I can find the time, that is....